Thank You, Los Angeles!

In light of Thanksgiving, I'd like to thank the City of Angels for the following:

- This week's romantic downpours and thunderstorms

- Sharon Wysong, the hottest masseuse in L.A.: http://www.studiocitymassagetherapy.com/

- The L.A. Public Library - We can drop off books at any branch & rent stacks of free movies!

- Frog Island's unapologetic, un-P.C. hilarity: http://www.frogislandcomedy.com/

- The leash-free dog beach in Long Beach

- Bryan Kest's Power Yoga: http://www.poweryoga.com/

- The glorious Mexican food

Things I WISH I was thankful for:

- The overturning of Prop 8

- Heidi and Spencer getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle

- All press who still consider them "news" following them into the Bermuda Triangle

Happy Thanksgiving!

We're on Fire

It smells like a campfire outside. I try not to enjoy it because it's the smell of people's lives going up in flames. I see the vivid, cartoon-like sunsets and attempt to refrain from marveling at them. Thousands of people have lost their homes so I don't complain about my watery eyes and choked-up sinuses. I feel a bit guilty that it's less shock and more awe in my case. This place has turned upside down.

In Los Angeles, brushfire season is in autumn. The summer bakes our land until it's dry and crispy, then the hot Santa Ana winds sweep in and cause a ruckus.

The fabled Santa Ana winds have been romanticized for centuries. Known to Indians as The Devil's Wind, the Santa Anas are said to have their origin in old Spanish, Santana's Wind, which translates to Satan's Wind. According to research, the winds are electrified by a high dose of positive ions that make people act a little funny. These winds explain a laundry list of phenomena, from dizziness to depression. Serotonin production increases and people cry, they fight and they get it on.

In the cult films Less Than Zero and White Oleander, the Santa Ana winds are major dark forces behind the plots. The winds are mentioned in L.A. Story, the song L.A. Woman by The Doors and even in the original Beverly Hills, 90210 series.

Every single year when these mysterious winds sweep in, I always anticipate mood swings and sudden bursts of passion. But it seems the only drama brought on by the Santa Anas are injured firemen, flying cinders and a surge in homelessness. This is not the kind of drama Hollywood likes to feed on. All the Nazis behind A Smoke Free California are fuming they can't control this one, or at least make people feel guilty by sneering and spouting rude comments. And with our air clouded by free radicals, hysterical starlets are scampering for appointments with their facialists.

My heart goes out to everyone affected by this, except for the starlets and Smoke Free California Nazis.

The Emperor's New Show

A friend called recently to ask if I'd like to make a couple of extra bucks. He was having a hard time hustling a group of people to be "fake audience members." Now, I know what a real audience member is. They're extras who get paid $75 to sit through mediocre daytime talk shows. They are cued to burst into applause when hosts say things like, "At first I thought it was just a mole, but then I learned melanoma detection!" An audience member's job is to convince America, "If I can sit through this, so can you!!"

But a fake audience member?

In short, I had to go to The Grove (an outdoor mall made to look like a quaint village) and pretend to be a shopper who just so happened to run into a publicity stunt for an upcoming T.V. show. I was expected to quiver with anticipation because my enthusiasm had to draw in crowds. The execs were so intent on bringing hype to the poorly-advertised sitcom, that they didn't consider it was yet unknown and was cast with no-name actors. That is, except for the gentleman whom I will refer to as, "I-married-a-model/actress-oh-who-am-I-kidding?-she's-a-model" guy.

So there I stood, shopping bag in hand. I bump into a velvet rope. "Oh, what's this?" I said aloud. I then looked up to see a cluster of tiny men and women sweating through a relay race. The press snapped photos patiently as the heavily-powdered cast members had their every move tracked by a comedian. But each and every one of the cast members were completely useless and inconsequential to the gathering group of onlookers, save for the "I-married-a-model/actress-oh-who-am-I-kidding?-she's-a-model" guy.

But I had a job to do. I gasped and whooped from my measly civilian post across the velvet rope. I looked around to ensure I was making good on my word and drawing in a crowd. But as I looked around, I realized they weren't focused on the publicity stunt. All eyes were on me, the overly-hyper shopper screaming for no apparent reason.

In a town where everyone is hustling hype, we have got to get a little more sophisticated.

Pho Shizzle

Back East, the city streets swarmed with Europeans. They always wore scarves and gestured with their hands. In California many of our transplants are Asian, since the Far East is across the pond. Unlike the Europeans, many Asians open restaurants upon settling in. And thank God because let's face it, aside from French cuisine, European food is mediocre. Boiled chicken and potatoes? No wonder the Irish drink.

L.A.'s landscape is dotted with top-notch dim sum joints and Thai bistros. But nothing is as good, and unfortunately obscure, as pho (pronounced "fuh"). My addiction to the steaming bowl of Vietnamese soup borders obsessive compulsive. Back East I had to drive out to a traffic-ridden Vietnamese neighborhood and sit cafeteria style under fluorescent lighting, shoulder-to-shoulder with a grouchy, elderly matriarch who didn't understand why I was there.

In Los Angeles however, pho is celebrated and so is the funny name. Indeed, pho sounds like the "f" word minus the "k." What the Pho in Koreatown is frequented by both families and thug wannabes in high school. Absolutely Phobulous caters to gay West Hollywood and sophisticated foodies in the hills, and Pho Sho serves the Culver City studio crowd. New restaurants are popping up everywhere, and finally I can have my own table, upgrade to track lighting and still enjoy the lemony, spicy, basil-filled noodle soup.

It's only a matter of time until we see a Viet-Italian fusion bistro called, "Phoggetaboutit."

Surviving Runyon Canyon

I love hiking in Los Angeles. The coyote howls at sunset when the canyon temperature drops a refreshing 10 degrees, the ocean views and the thrill of knowing a rattlesnake could be sunning around the bend are but a few of the many perks. The mountains surrounding us are Mother Nature’s big “Screw you!” to the hideous strip mall sprawl that showcase our modern failures in architecture. One may think that hiking boots and a water bottle are adequate preparation for hiking in a hot, rugged canyon. Oh no, my friends. To survive Runyon Canyon, you need not only need style, but doggie style.

Dogs:

* While purebreds were once all the rage, once must find other ways to pretend they’re loaded. The new leash candy are mutts and rescues, as men have discovered it makes them look sensitive and gets them laid.

* The ultimate leash candy? Dogs with deformities! It’s all the rage. Try and score a 3-legged dog, one that’s missing an eye or has an extra digit in their paw.

* Any form of skin disease is NOT a hot deformity. Think underdog, not dirty dog.

Clothing:

* No stained clothing or torn clothing, unless crafted to expose bare midriff or toned arms.

* Matching clothes only - not throwaways that belong in the pajama drawer.

* All men, especially gay men, must take off their shirts if they have a four pack or higher, unless thwarted by excess back hair.

* If going for preppy chic, ensure the leash matches the outfit.

* If going for Playboy chic, not only do you cut your shirt for midriff exposure, but cut a plunging neckline to expose your expensive breasts. Extra credit for orange glow skin!

* If going for rocker chic, colored bandanas are best for your hair, and don’t forget the shades and too-tight jeans that are not at all appropriate for hiking.

Demeanor:

* To fit in, one must speak obnoxiously loud when discussing any entertainment industry successes and celebrity run-ins. Must act blasé about celebrity encounters.

* To fit in, speak loudly about crazy and dysfunctional relationships And keep your voice up, it’s encouraged by all. Passing strangers eat up this form of entertainment.

* Act as if you are not out of breath while approaching the summit, as people can smell weakness.

* The most ridiculously priced bottled water will make you look cooler. Ditch the Arrowhead for Smart Water.

Enjoy your hike!

Better Than The Best of L.A. Weekly

LA Weekly's "Best of" issue was unleashed last weekend - an event I look forward to every year. I devour page after page with a hot cup of coffee and a pair of scissors. When I first moved here from the East Coast, I clung to the "Best of" issue to try and pick up the vibe of Los Angeles. The following two years I studied each entry and wrote down addresses, determined to make myself like this place. These days, I use it to explore and uncover. And now that I know this town, I can see where the entries are lacking.

For instance, the "Best View from Money" piece urges people to see the Los Angeles skyline from a spot in the swanky hills of La Canada. But the price of gas combined with an addiction to T.V. can hardly pull people off the couch these days. Make it worth the trip and stop at DISH on Foothill Boulevard in La Canada. Inside there are roaring fireplaces, hardwood floors and gorgeous vintage woodwork. When you settle into the dining room, look up at the old bones, painted white and looking like a Hamptons throwback. And the food - oh, the food. The juicy hangar steaks, crisp salads topped with goat cheese and fresh sliced fruit, the tangy apple chutney on sizzling pork chops and the warm chocolate bread pudding a la mode are to die for.
Everything is painstakingly homemade and the warmth exuding from the place stays with you as you drive downhill, back to the smoggy, congested flatlands.

Some Angelenos may fear dining more than six miles off the Sunset strip, as it may disrupt their carefully-crafted idea of cool. Allow me to draw some comparisons. On the strip, girls who have come to the sad realization that they'll never be smart enough to be rich on their own, (or not smart enough to realize they can), squeeze their wares into shiny tube tops and haunt the bars looking for people with money. For those who have seen the rolling green estates of La Canada, you would know that the place is moneyed, and not peppered with UCLA frat boys. The men at DISH go for Hefewiesen, not Heineken, and nobody would ever yell the formidable, "Whooh!"

On Sunset, people gain a slight sense of achievement looking down at the glittering lights of Los Angeles from the heights of the strip. Especially when gripping an overpriced cocktail after standing in line for an hour to get in. The view from La Canada? Higher. We're talking a few exits away from the Mt. Wilson Observatory, which makes Griffith Park look like a high school planetarium. Here's their link: http://www.dishbreakfastlunchanddinner.com/

I'm inspired now, and feel morally obligated to do my own "Best of" blogs when the event arises. In the meantime, put down the remote, get in your car and start exploring. Here's LA Weekly's link: http://www.laweekly.com/bestOf

California Cuisine

This "California cuisine" thing is really something. Despite various attempts to define it, the whole thing remains elusive. Every other cuisine I know can be defined by their spices and method of cooking, such as Indian cuisine, known for spicy curries with meat and breads cooked in a tandoori.

So I do research, and the definition is as pretentious as the restaurants who claim to serve it. Jeremiah Tower is credited for bringing the unique and "stacked" presentation to California. So...if I neatly stack pita bread, grape leaves and hummus into a cool-looking tower, it goes from Mediterranean to Californian? Wolfgang Puck is credited on Wikipedia's "California cuisine" page for opening Spago and being a celebrity chef, but brings nothing to the table as far as unique dishes. Perhaps some are hoping that the word "celebrity" will be the magic word to justify everything, as it does for trainers and stylists on makeover T.V. shows.

Then there's "fusion" - something California is known for. While Asian fusion is the most popular version, (putting soy sauce and sliced scallions in a ramekin where ketchup should be), one cannot borrow from another cuisine, force it into an American dish and claim it as it’s own.

Celebrity chefs and tiny towers of food don't make up for unique spices, marinades and cooking techniques. The truth is a lot less glamorous. California cuisine really entails taking a salad or sandwich (already perfected by another region) and shoving in a helping of alfalfa sprouts and avocado.