The business of tabloids

I was invited to a tabloid party recently, and a friend had asked if I thought any celebrities would be there. Immediately my mind went to movie stars and I said, "No, of course not." Who would want to attend a party thrown by people who zoom in on your cellulite and blast photos of it across their front page? Stars come home from a seemingly quiet vacation to find their thighs in high definition in grocery store check out lines. So no, no stars.

But we have a new breed of celebrity brought on by tabloid and reality TV culture. The Non-Talent Celeb. They don't act, sing or dance but man are they famous. This party made it quite clear that tabloids and reality TV stars are in bed together. I am more than convinced that the symbiotic relationship has them running some serious under-the-table deals.

Disclaimer: The bully from Glee (below) was there, and as an actual performer, he does not fall under the Non-Talent Celeb.

Rocking the Charity Circuit

St. Jude Children's Hospital held a gala at L.A.'s Club Nokia this month, and I had the honor of serving as a Gala Committe member. As Silent Auction Chair, I also had to oversee the live auction and gift bags! It was one of the hardest things I've ever pulled off, especially in this economy. But it's a challenge to be proud of. With Wolfgang Puck feeding us, Maker's Mark Whiskey opening up a dipping station, a successful auction filled with high-end items and generous sponsors, it was a success. With Daisy Fuentes, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Kenny Ortega, Zoe Saldana and Wilmer Valdarrama and more stepping out, the turnout was excellent too. Enjoy the photos!

What Happens When You Drop Out

High school and college dropouts in the United States usually make ends meet by working one or two customer service or labor jobs they can't stand. But the options in Los Angeles are more glamorous. If you want to make more than self-righteous shop girls at Robertson boutiques no one can afford, and possess their good looks, the options are endless.

Waitressing is profitable, but in this town, you can't get in without an extensive resume and headshot. You heard me, headshot. You could be a high-profile escort for the Charlie Sheens of Hollywood. If you can't get into Playboy, you can pose for Penthouse. If you can't get into Penthouse, there's Hustler. If you can't make it into Hustler, hello Internet! If pornography in general makes you uncomfortable, you could always be a spokesmodel. Sort of like the girls on stage in the above video. They arrive in skimpy outfits at red carpet events (albeit the sleazier ones) and plop down in the Reserved section. It's usually roped off with a sign that reads Playboy or MTV and people gawk at them, trying to place a face with a name. There usually isn't a name to go with the face, it's just a stunt. But if the Average Joe gawks and walks away wondering and intrigued, the job is done.

I went to a pre-party for the American Music Awards, and it seems that these girls were hired to look interested on stage as a PR stunt for Marco Banderas. Marco who? Exactly. In short, he's an Ecuadorian porn star who is turning to Latino music. These Penthouse "spokesmodels" climbed onto the stage and flopped around, trying to look as sultry and horny as possible through their fake smiles. Was the crowd convinced that Marco Banderas was the next best thing?

The only thing we were convinced of, was that there was no reason to roll out a red carpet at this event. No gift bags, no open bar and no one's talent to admire. Oh well, at least we got a good red carpet shot.

Pawing Your Way to the Top

Part of living in Los Angeles is having struggling actors for friends. You take the $15-$20 gamble on their plays and hope for the best, though sometimes you end up with men in drag dressed as the Statue of Liberty, splattered in yellow paint and wailing monologues about the decline of jazz.

The perks? Wrap parties filled with pretty boys and all the red wine you can drink. You may hit gold if one of your friends lands a series regular role. Red carpets and gift bag hand-me-downs? Yes, please.

But these days, scratching and clawing your way to the top is a lot dirtier than the age-old casting couch. My friend Rene once said, "If I can't get into acting the old-fashioned way, I'll go through Scientology." But Xenu.net exposed the sci-fi cult for what it was, and Tom Cruise didn't help any by treating Oprah's furniture badly. Rene knew she couldn't maintain her dignity and pretend to sell her soul to those people.

"Kaballah! That's it! I'll join Kaballah!" What, with Madonna, Demi and Ashton jumping on board and red string bracelets on celebs like Gwenyth Paltrow and Lindsay Lohan, it seemed a sure thing. But that faded fast too. Bracelets flew off wrists faster than you can say, "Fifteen minutes!"

These days, it seems there's only one shortcut to fame. It's called Much Love, the animal rescue organization in Los Angeles. Spearheaded by Tori Spelling and boasting members such as Alicia Silverstone and Drew Barrymore, adorable young starlets-to-be line up for the volunteer classes. With blowouts and manicures, they beautifully throw themselves into the world of animal rescue. They nod their perfumed heads, flash their bleached smiles, and hope to help with the next fundraiser at the Playboy Mansion. Or that red carpet gala with Ralph Fiennes. Whatever works.

But I can't knock anyone willing to give homeless pets a new lease on life. Unlike pretending to be ancient Hebrew spiritualists or adopting theories of alien takeovers, at least these people are making a difference. I've even brought my beloved greyhound Olivia (see above photo) to a Much Love red carpet event. My advice to the up-and-comers? Don't claw your way to the top, paw your way to the top.