...Seriously?

 Apparently, it's quite stressful being a real-life....wait for it...mermaid. 

Only in Los Angeles...

 

 

Only in Los Angeles will I be enjoying an American Classic like Troop Beverly Hills, and see...my landlord. People, I am living in the home of The Dictator's Wife!

What the Thugs Made Me Do

Oh damn you thugs and your wily ways! As if you weren't annoying enough for stealing money from people with jobs. You have to steal their tacos too?

Tonight, I had to put my hand in a trashcan for you. That's right, thugs. At King Taco, when they called my order, they would not give me my food. Why, you ask? Because I did not present my ticket with the order number. "But it's...me," I said, "Remember me? I just ordered." And they said, "Yes, but so many people steal tacos from paying customers by hanging out by the order window, that we need to have all ticket stubs returned to us for our records."

"They steal tacos too?"
"Yes, even tacos."
"But the people with the tickets are also standing by the order window. Can't they flash their stub and take their own food?"
"No, the people who stole their tacos were gangsters. No one wants to mess with them."
"But...I stuck my stub in the trash 20 minutes ago. People have been dumping in their dirty trays after it."
"I'm so sorry. Since you already paid, I'd dig in the trash."

So what did I do, thugs? I dug in the trash. It was slimy and smelled like salsa and swine. I needed to wash my hands before I ate. But guess what, thugs?  The bathroom was out of order, because you vandalized it.

Please get jobs, thugs.