Surviving Runyon Canyon

I love hiking in Los Angeles. The coyote howls at sunset when the canyon temperature drops a refreshing 10 degrees, the ocean views and the thrill of knowing a rattlesnake could be sunning around the bend are but a few of the many perks. The mountains surrounding us are Mother Nature’s big “Screw you!” to the hideous strip mall sprawl that showcase our modern failures in architecture. One may think that hiking boots and a water bottle are adequate preparation for hiking in a hot, rugged canyon. Oh no, my friends. To survive Runyon Canyon, you need not only need style, but doggie style.


* While purebreds were once all the rage, once must find other ways to pretend they’re loaded. The new leash candy are mutts and rescues, as men have discovered it makes them look sensitive and gets them laid.

* The ultimate leash candy? Dogs with deformities! It’s all the rage. Try and score a 3-legged dog, one that’s missing an eye or has an extra digit in their paw.

* Any form of skin disease is NOT a hot deformity. Think underdog, not dirty dog.


* No stained clothing or torn clothing, unless crafted to expose bare midriff or toned arms.

* Matching clothes only - not throwaways that belong in the pajama drawer.

* All men, especially gay men, must take off their shirts if they have a four pack or higher, unless thwarted by excess back hair.

* If going for preppy chic, ensure the leash matches the outfit.

* If going for Playboy chic, not only do you cut your shirt for midriff exposure, but cut a plunging neckline to expose your expensive breasts. Extra credit for orange glow skin!

* If going for rocker chic, colored bandanas are best for your hair, and don’t forget the shades and too-tight jeans that are not at all appropriate for hiking.


* To fit in, one must speak obnoxiously loud when discussing any entertainment industry successes and celebrity run-ins. Must act blasé about celebrity encounters.

* To fit in, speak loudly about crazy and dysfunctional relationships And keep your voice up, it’s encouraged by all. Passing strangers eat up this form of entertainment.

* Act as if you are not out of breath while approaching the summit, as people can smell weakness.

* The most ridiculously priced bottled water will make you look cooler. Ditch the Arrowhead for Smart Water.

Enjoy your hike!

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