6.21.2014

Family-Disoriented


Family is an important thing in Los Angeles. If you're friends with anyone famous, and I mean Dana Plato anyone, it's best to make them a Godparent. That way, even if you can't get their money, they'll still feel obligated to come to your parties, making everything a little more exciting. In fact, guilt will stop them from ever being able to get rid of you

Family has many other functions too. You can adopt a bunch of kids from third world countries to distract the world from the fact that you're an annoying, ex-junkie homewrecker and an adulterous douchelord who still thinks they're cute enough to get away with bad hygiene. You can whore out insecure daughters to attain personal wealth and fame in middle age.

One must also be careful with their Hollywood families as well. Jennifer Aniston's hideous mother wrote a tell-all about her daughter, shockingly. Marlon Brando was distant with his children, which led them to this and this.

Maybe that's why so many Angelenos flee the city when they deem it time to "raise a family."

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