To Pee or Not to Pee

Note to people who think they can text and drive: YOU CANNOT. And most likely, you'll end up like this. Los Angeles traffic is miserable enough, but our obligations are of no matter compared to their All Important Text. They're bottlenecking canyons with slow reaction times, leaving giant gaps in the thoroughfare, missing lights and driving well below the speed limit. These days, if you feel a bad driver just might make you cry, you can almost guarantee seeing their face lit by the familiar electronic blue glow.

That glow. It's everywhere. That little bluish square glowing a few yards away from you on the sidewalk as the neighbor walks their dogs. Surrounded by night blooming jasmine and birds of paradise, they choose not to enjoy nature or quality time with man's best friend, but stare into the blue ether with thumbs twitching at the speed of light.

Shopping malls, offices, even in the elevator you see no faces; just bowed heads and busy thumbs. People bump into walls, each other and eye contact be damned. My friend Dawn gets so irate if she sees a hovering blue square lit up in a movie theatre, she'll comment aloud on how hideous they are. It used to bother me too, but then I found out about Run Pee. This site gives recommendations as to when the best time to run to the bathroom would be during the movie, and even fills you in on what you've missed. Now I'm more forgiving when my eyeline is interrupted by a hovering blue light. I take a deep breath and fix my eyes on the screen. Maybe they're checking out Run Pee, 'cause when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Too bad Run Pee isn't partial with their movie listings. I Can Do Bad All By Myself was once on there. If the makers of Run Pee had any heart, they wouldn't tell us when to run and pee. They would just tell us to run.

Los Angeles is a town that takes film seriously, so it's a cute idea, if not a bit gimmicky. Be careful before illuminating the darkness with your electric blue square, though. Dawn might be in the theatre.

The Dark Underbelly of the Comedian

I once dated a stand-up comic and everything they say is true. Not what the comics say themselves, but what people say about dating them. That clown mask hides some serious issues. And if you're really messed up, you have the potential to make every relationship a total drama (and I mean Carmen Electra drama), which naturally supplies a lifetime of material. My level-headed friend Darren is a talented writer for The Soup, and even he says you can't be a great comedy writer without some form of neurosis.

That would explain why there are so many bad sitcoms - the writers are too damned emotionally balanced. That and people are base enough to be tickled by The New Adventures of Old Christine.

If you want to be exposed to comedic genius for free without leaving the house, hit up Picture War. Dueling comedian friends Stirling Gardener and Matt Kaye continue to blog back and forth with the most hideous and shocking images you will come across on the web. Even if they do lift a lot from Awkward Family Photos.

How to Understand Rap (...If You Have To)

What would the state of hip hop be without Los Angeles? East Coast gangsta rappers, please don't shoot me for asking. I'm from D.C., really. If you do shoot me, shoot me for hating your awful music.

But I digress. Los Angeles brought us Cypress Hill, Tupac, Dr. Dre, Eazy E and Snoop Dogg. Though I like Snoop Dogg, I'm more of an old school fan, and dig stuff like DJ Cool and The Digital Underground. One of the drawbacks is understanding the music. Whether dancing at a club or working it out at a karaoke bar, knowing the lyrics really helps.

Fear no more. We now have understand rap, a trusty little website dedicated to helping you realize your dream of sitting on a gaudy purple fur throne and grimacing with a mouth full of gold teeth. Go on, unleash your inner homegirl. Or homeboy. Whatever.

Seriously?

LACMA - Miracle Mile, Los Angeles

I know the arts are suffering, but this is pretty shameless.