7.07.2012

You haven't lived in L.A until you've witnessed...Angelyne

When I first moved to Los Angeles and saw Angelyne billboards advertising, well...her, I wondered, "What is this hot mess, and why do I find it so awesome?" She broke the rules. Hollywood exhibits their wares via theatre, and if they're lucky enough, TV and movies. No one takes out a billboard and says "Hey world, look at me...and my Lucite shoes!"

Come to think of it, we weren't even looking at her, but an airbrsuhed, cartoonish version of her. It was very platinum blonde and hot pink - 80's hot. Old-fashioned hot. Stripper hot.

Asking around, I got the urban legend: "DUDE, she's like 80 years old with mad plastic surgery. She drives around in a convertible pink Corvette and takes out billboards because her husband owns a sweet O.C . Corvette dealership!" But no one was quite sure what she was selling. Thanks to Wikipedia, we now know it was what we had expected. Just her. 

Imagine my surprise when walking down Fairfax and seeing the infamous Angelyne pink Corvette parked outside of Canter's. I dashed inside to meet her. She was old-young, and her face was deformed from plastic surgery. It was clear she was elderly, but her face had been spackled, paved over and pulled back to have zero wrinkles. Her grapefruit-sized beasts were smoothed and catapulted up to her clavicle. It's strange to look at an elderly person and know that they are old, but being unable to pin down any wrinkles or grey hairs as telltale signs. What is it then, that makes people look old?

Instead of being the giggly, Betty Boop-like poo poo pi do blonde bomb (if not shell), she was jaded, and all business. A smile never crept across her face and her voice was hoarse. I asked if I could have a picture with her, and she said only if I bought an $18 Angelyne tee shirt. When she saw that wasn't happening, she pushed past me and scooted off in her Corvette.

I had hoped she would be fun and delusional like her billboards promised. But I think somewhere along the way, she caught on that she was a joke. She decided to cash in on that at the very least, before it was too late.  Check out these outrageous billboards - I'll miss them. They're so vintage L.A. As of 2010, the billboards have all disappeared.

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