...Seriously?

 Apparently, it's quite stressful being a real-life....wait for it...mermaid. 

Only in Los Angeles...

 

 

Only in Los Angeles will I be enjoying an American Classic like Troop Beverly Hills, and see...my landlord. People, I am living in the home of The Dictator's Wife!

What the Thugs Made Me Do

Oh damn you thugs and your wily ways! As if you weren't annoying enough for stealing money from people with jobs. You have to steal their tacos too?

Tonight, I had to put my hand in a trashcan for you. That's right, thugs. At King Taco, when they called my order, they would not give me my food. Why, you ask? Because I did not present my ticket with the order number. "But it's...me," I said, "Remember me? I just ordered." And they said, "Yes, but so many people steal tacos from paying customers by hanging out by the order window, that we need to have all ticket stubs returned to us for our records."

"They steal tacos too?"
"Yes, even tacos."
"But the people with the tickets are also standing by the order window. Can't they flash their stub and take their own food?"
"No, the people who stole their tacos were gangsters. No one wants to mess with them."
"But...I stuck my stub in the trash 20 minutes ago. People have been dumping in their dirty trays after it."
"I'm so sorry. Since you already paid, I'd dig in the trash."

So what did I do, thugs? I dug in the trash. It was slimy and smelled like salsa and swine. I needed to wash my hands before I ate. But guess what, thugs?  The bathroom was out of order, because you vandalized it.

Please get jobs, thugs.

Cups of Cake!

They say New York City starts the trends which then trickle over to L.A. This was certainly the case with cupcakes. Magnolia Bakery in Manhattan had such a following that it was featured in Sex and the City, and showcased in the "Special Features" section of the box set. Then in 2010, Magnolia Bakery set up shop on 3rd St. in Los Angeles.

Not to mention the countless cupcakeries that have popped up all over LaLa Land. Yummy Cupcakes has the most exquisite batter and frosting, Cupcakes Couture have an outstanding presentation and Suzie Cakes stands apart because their cupcakes have homemade filling. We've become so advanced, that I recently enjoyed a bacon & peanut butter cupcake with banana frosting. No, seriously.

But I must give a shout out to the newest innovators of cupcakedom, the B Sweet Cupcake Bar. They come to your party and build a cupcake bar. With homemade cake batter like beer-flavored, frostings like peppermint and toppings such as coconut and Reece's Pieces, they are abusively onto something. It was a real treat, and if you're throwing a party in Los Angeles, they are a must.

Seriously?

Long Beach, CA

What are we, in Maui?

The love part of my love / hate relationship

The Norton Simon Museum, Pasadena

Seriously?

Yes, Los Angeles invented road rage. But if you want to test your luck by riding a motorcyle in this town, you may want to reconsider the amount of rear-view mirrors you have: 13

Sideways-inspired roadtrip!

Hollywood films always inspire me to take road trips. I've made a pilgrimage to the Amityville house and Grey Gardens. This trip to the Solvang/Santa Barbara-area was inspired by Sideways, and didn't require a plane ticket. It doesn't take arm-twisting to get me to leave Los Angeles. I'm always hunched on the springboard, waiting for an opportunity. Pulling away from the city, I can feel the proverbial claws releasing with each mile.

Breakfast in Santa Barbara

Eggs Benedict

 sampling wines and gourmet olive oil

Robert, appreciating the statues dedicated to great men

Sunstone Winery

with friends Gus and Jiwon Zdanovich

organic vineyard

catching the sunset

Guns and Roses and Steak Fries

Last month I sang the praises of many L.A. delis to prove that we've got power lunch nosh spots as good as any New York one. Not to mention celebrity sightings galore. But it didn't feel right to simply give Canter's a passing mention, given my one-sided love affair with the place. And when I say one-sided, I mean it. They are renown for their "aging waitresses from hell." Love them.

While I've never sampled it myself, I hear crack is quite addicting. And if one could transform the feeling of well-being it gives a person into an actual flavor, it would be the steak fries and ranch dressing at Canter's. To call it addicting would be an understatement. The false sense of well-being it provides is the reason why I treat myself to the place on my birthday. I'm sure part of the warm and fuzzy feeling comes from the vintage interior, almost reminiscent of a big cafeteria or truck stop from the 50's. Giant booths that swallow you up, lots of brown, lots of orange. And I love the sound of clinking classes and silverware in a large room. Except at weddings, where you're wearing Spanx, which physically restrict you from feeling true bliss.

Plus, Guns N' Roses got their start in Canter's Kibitz room, where they played regularly at the beginning of their career. In case you've been living in a cave for the past quarter century, that's huge.

The White Witch of Los Angeles

credit: Sera Timms

I will give her credit for one thing and one thing only. She thought of a cool name for her website. GodIsMyBoyfriend.com. Hardy har har. Not that it actually means anything.

But don't tell Los Angeles that. Homegirl gets all kinds of coverage in the L.A. Weekly, not to mention the fact that the city of Los Angeles must be throwing her enough coins to keep her operating. Maja D'aoust is "The White Witch of L.A." What does this mean? It means she can have photos taken of herself prancing in gauzy white dresses, declare the dust and dirt on the camera lens to be orbs (after development of course, since nothing actually happened during the photo shoot) and take your money to do, like, spiritual stuff with it. Like put it in her pocket. Then go buy other new white dresses to prance in.

I'm not mad at her. We allowed this to happen. People refuse to believe in God because of the talking snakes and the parting seas being "unrealistic," but then hail "The White Witch of Los Angeles." It just goes to show that some people long to be "different," simply because they're desperate for attention. So I say you go, Maja D'Aoust. You take all their money and you swirl and twirl in those gauzy white dresses and you wave your hands and you mumble over that burning sage. Take them for all they're worth, even if the rest of the country is laughing at us.

You go. You go Glen Coco.

Robert DeNiro's Fungus

Recently, I ate at Robert DeNiro's restaurant to...eat at Robert DeNiro's restaurant. 

The mid-century modern design at Ago didn't veer too far into Palm Springs territory. Avoiding splashy colors, they used a New York Bistro color line, with dark greys, mahogany and navy. The result was airy yet crisp. But it's my dish that I need to talk about. Never had I seen so many truffle shavings on one plate. Not even in the Piedmont region of Italy during truffle season. When there, servers taunted me with visions of just-picked local truffles, only to find tiny black specks on my pizza slice. As with most dishes with less-than-desirable amounts of truffle, you get that heavenly aroma, but can't find the taste. Then there's Ago, with generous potions to made up for all that "Look at the stupid American in Italy" brouhaha.

While many return from celeb-owned restaurants with bragging rights related to star sightings, it was all overshadowed by the great food. And in my case, it was overshadowed by fungus. 

The Nosh Pit

I realize that as an East-Coaster, I have to look at "East Coast-inspired" hotspots in California with a grain of salt. Like the "Hamptons-inspired" club, The Colony. Which is not even on the beach and is filled with girls sporting jack o' lantern heads and wearing "dresses" that I'm pretty sure were originally shirts. Anyone who's been to the Hamptons knows that Lily Pulitzer dresses are de rigeur, not stuff that would end up on this blog.

Anyway, it's well known that movie deals and comedy careers are made in the New York delis between Jewish bigwigs and their occasional goy counterparts. But I am proud to point out that there is some serious wheeling and dealing here in L.A., and most of these delicatessens have been here for more than half a century (practically ancient for Los Angeles). Great ideas and great sandwiches are born here too!

Proof: 

Canter's Deli - Seth Rogen & Michael Cera developed ideas in the vast orange and brown booths, and director Michael Mann would brainstorm and write for 6-hour stretches

Art's Delicatessen - Steven Speilberg, Jason Reitman, John Landis and CBS pres. Les Moonves are regulars. PS) The website hosts a Yiddish dictionary

Factor's Deli - William Shatner, Arthur Marx and Monty Hall have had brainstorms and meetings here

Nate n 'Al's - Larry King & his Brooklyn entourage eat here every morning. Charlton Heston was no stranger to the place either

Junior's Deli- This was a creative lab for Mel Brooks. And for street cred? NWA wrote lyrics in the booths!

Mazeltov Los Angeles!

Still the best pizza in L.A.!

the line extends pass the waiting room and onto the sidewalk

New York transplants are obligated to say, "There's no good pizza in L.A." in order to maintain their street cred. They don't want others thinking they've gone soft. I'm not a New Yorker and am not privy to such pretension, but I have my own pizza-related issues. Namely, that I've never liked it. Until recently that is. As a child, when our family ordered pizza I'd opt for the side of buffalo wings. Throughout college I'd endure countless comments from my cohorts. "What's wrong with you?" they'd gasp, as if I had an actual answer to that question. They were just as incredulous when they found out I had never watched Star Wars. I tried multiple times, but got too bored. It's the same with pizza.

In fact, I kept trying pizza at everyone's advice. I was sure I'd stumble upon that magical slice that would turn me over to their side. There was an Aladdin's Express on Broad Street in Richmond, run by a Muslim family from New York. I was actually impressed by their pie! As I enjoyed my giant thin-crust pizza slice, employees would roll out mats in the middle of the dining floor and bow eastward to Mecca. But I graduated college, moved to Los Angeles and once again found myself in Papa John's hell. I stumbled upon a frozen pizza in the grocery store. Gino's Pizza was only $1.19 for a single serve pie, so I didn't have much to lose. It was incredible, and I couldn't understand why it was so cheap. "Because it's disgusting, that's why," each consecutive roommate blasted. They hadn't even tried it, and wouldn't, assuming the cost meant the company was hiding a dark secret.

After 11 years in Los Angeles, I was invited to a dinner at Casa Bianca in Eagle Rock. "Eagle Rock?" I asked. I knew it was an up-and-coming neighborhood, but there is bad pizza everywhere, so why go there? "It's the best pizza in L.A., that's why." This unassuming Mom and Pop shop has been around for over half a century, started by Italian immigrants from Chicago. Our party needed reservations way in advance, and when we got there, the people waiting in line spilled from the indoor lobby to the outside benches. This place meant business!

I love an old school cash register

Consider this: Everyone says that even bad pizza is good pizza. So not many can be trusted when asked where the best pizza place is. Myself of the other hand, finds most pizza intolerable. So if I say the pizza is to die for, in addition to the rest of this city agreeing it's the best in the land, it must be. And Casa Bianca is. 

The crust is crispy, then chewy. The thin slices are loaded with gooey cheese and a savory mix of mystery spices that set it apart from all others. I can finally say that I love pizza. Unfortunately, this alone will not convince others that I'm now normal, but it's a delicious place to start.

FIG Santa Monica - Reminding us why we moved to L.A. in the first place

In my hometown on the East Coast, I'd to listen to Walk, Don't Run by The Ventures and imagine my future in California. In my mind, it looked like FIG restaurant in Santa Monica. Airy with big windows, offering views of swaying palms and an aqua blue pool. The faint sound of waves crashing in the background. Avocado slices on every plate.

The food is delicious without being fussy. I have to give credit to any restaurant serving the After School Special; a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. If you ever find your soul crushed by 405 traffic and clueless middle-aged women disfigured by plastic surgery, head to FIG. You'll remember why you came to California in the first place.

Seriously?

Attention Christmas shoppers! Part of the revamped Beverly Center appears to have lighting fixtures shaped like, well, buttholes. Not acceptable.

So unpretentious and amazing, it almost feels pretentious

Much ado is made of sushi in Los Angeles. During the 80's financial boom, Americans who power-lunched with Japanese businessmen made sushi popular among the elite. Sushi made frequent appearances in 80's movies; a staple for the wealthy and cruel.

Luckily, I live by Sushi Row in Studio City, and have dined at the original Katsuya (heaven!) among others. But nothing compares to Fuji in Pasadena. They don't need a website or Groupon deals. Though their sushi isn't #1 in L.A. (though it's really good) it's their abusive Korean BBQ that keeps me loyal. It's the best I've had in Los Angeles, and I know my way around Korean food. And insane Korean roommates.

With incomparable Korean BBQ, great sushi, proximity to boba joints and located in the center of happy, happy Pasadena,  this unassuming and inexpensive restaurant is my favorite.

What's with the music industry?

Twins who carry the burden of trying to bring long hair back to rock

It's not that I believe actors should be homogenized for aesthetic pleasure. In fact, it's sad to see girls all the same shade of peroxide blonde, with matching pumpkin-colored skin and noses courtesy of Dr. 90210. People should embrace their differences, and not be afraid to stand out, save for their new breasts. 

Fake hot goes beyond L.A.!

But why is it, that in the music industry people work just as hard to look different? And not just different, but aesthetically displeasing? As hard as actors try to fit into the mold, musicians work just as hard to break it. The effect is just as contrived.

I went to an MTV Awards pre-party, and the place was positively crawling with manufactured "freaks" -  musicians and wanna-be rock stars. Perhaps it's because the party was thrown by the self-promoting con artist  David Harrison Levi. Or perhaps it was the desperation to stand out without the aid of American Idol. Some musicians tried to bring back long hair (see above). Others decided to cover their clothes with rock 'n roll band pins, but looked like deranged extras from TGI Friday's Servers Gone Wild. 

with Chris Dennis of Confessions of a Superhero

Girls made dresses from silly string, boys wore blue lipstick. You couldn't escape the feeling that they all went home, removed their "weird" and sat in front of Glee with a bowl of cereal. It was their schtick.

So to all of those homogenized actors and anti-homogenized musicians: JUST BE YOU. I'm not saying that the real you is great. Hell, it may not even be good. But it's got to be better than what you're making us deal with now.

"Starmaker" / con artist David Harrison Levi

Seriously?

Trashy Lingerie, Los Angeles

Gentlemen, you do know that this never happens in real life...right?

To set the record straight. girls NEVER:

- Have pillow fights in lingerie

- Kiss one another, unless it's for shock value (Madonna & Brittany Spears), album sales (Katy Perry) or to get guys to like us (COLLEGE)

- EVER want to have a threesome, unless it's two guys, one girl

- fart