Happy Halloween, Los Angeles!

Scenes from last year's festivities. Enjoy!

Run in with Top Model's CRAZY Lisa D'Amato - LOVE her!

Crazy Lisa - breaking hearts and iPhones!

One of the advantages to living in L.A.and not New York is the lack of models. Sure, there are beautiful women everywhere, but they're short. When I was invited to a party for America's Next Top Model, there was no hiding how much shorter and pudgier I was. I was a bowling ball amongst bowling pins. 

pushing her signature fragrance

So naturally, I looked for flaws in all of them. Cameras were rolling as America's Next Top Model All-Stars tried to out-pitch one another with a signature fragrance created just for them. They were awash in pearly mineral make-up and bleached teeth, smiling and glowing. Only one girl would be chosen for a signature fragrance deal, based on our feedback.

pushing Sensual

The girls stood in bathtubs, beckoning us to try their signature fragrances. Men ate it up as lotion was rubbed into their hands. Some of the men believed that the women were really into them; and not trying to secure their shaky financial future. They got into the bathtubs with the girls. You could see the annoyance on their faces, as stage make-up slid off into the cold water. But the cameras rolled and they gritted their teeth, smiling through their anger. 

 There was one model who did make me feel better about myself - Lisa D'Amato. That's because she was absolutely out of her mind. We loved her - she was like the Courtney Love of the models. The wild one. She's notorious for peeing in an adult diaper on the show and joining Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. She was pushing her signature Neon fragrance. Instead of pandering to men with some demure eyelash-batting, she whooped and hollered, telling everyone that they needed to loosen up and have fun. When people got too close, she kicked her bathtub water, splashing passersby and squealing. Getting splashed with water isn't as whimsical and fun as it was back in the day, since Angelenos are tethered to pricey electronic devices.

with Aussie actor Glenn Millanta

I think she was drunk. My friends and I cheered her on, of course. The other models rolled their eyes, as a crowd gathered away from them and lights shone onto Lisa. If a camera happened to swing in their direction, they switched to a pageant smile and said, "Oh, that Lisa. She's a free spirit." Top Model host Nigel Barker gave her a little talking-to, but behind his back, we were telling her not to listen. We told her to push Tyra into a tub if she showed up, convincing her it would make her a hero. Which it would, of course.

I liked Lisa. Sure, she was pushing her Neon party girl gimmick just as much as the others pushed their Ambition, or Sensual fragrance idea. But she was fun, and not such a man-pleaser.

goofing off on location at the Roosevelt

waiting for the valet

If it's not deep-fried, it's not a doughnut

The PB & J fonut - tasty!

Fonuts in West Hollywood is having their "moment" right now. Fueled by the hype of Thrillist and hipsters, crowds wipe out entire batches of Salted Caramel fonuts before lunch time.

What is a fonut? A faux doughnut, which is baked instead of fried. They used to be called Fauxnuts, but I guess that was hard for people. That makes sense, considering their clientele. Fonuts makes gluten-free options, and every gullible twit out there is convinced they are allergic to gluten. That's why THIS GUY is my hero.

I was excited to try their Chorizo Cheddar fonuts, but there was no sin in it. It wasn't spicy, cheesy or meaty. It was fluffy and yellow with red swirls. Their Maple Bacon fonut wasn't salty enough to counter the sweetness, and didn't hold a candle to Nickel Diner.

I thought I'd have better luck with the sweet doughnuts, and I did. The Banana Chocolate fonut was nice... like a muffin. That's the thing about fonuts. People get excited to try a healthy version of a doughnut, but it is not any version of a doughnut. They were baked goods pressed into a ring shape, like a bundt. Some were great, like the Peanut Butter and Jelly fonut. But it will never be like Pinkberry, who have successfully marketed themselves as a healthier version of a sinful, American classic.

Unfortunately for us, if it's not deep-fried, it's not a doughnut.

The People of Public Transit

It still kills me that Los Angeles' public transportation is sadder than John Gosselin's Ed Hardy-clad midlife crisis. Here in LaLa Land, one poor fool must always serve as designated driver. If we venture out to celebrate any communal activity with fellow Angelenos, such as fireworks on Independence Day, pub crawls or summer concerts at the Hollywood Bowl, we are punished by soul-crushing traffic.

On the bright side, we don't have to breathe the same stale air as The People of Public Transit. Much like the popular site that pokes fun of the horrors seen lurking around Wal-Mart, this one is even better because it will piss off "green-living" types desperate to define themselves. You know the ones, they are understandably pro-public transportation, but then also think it's progressive to ride a stationary bike for 30 minutes to power their toaster.

Singafest Asian Film Festival

L.A. Weekly hosted a party for Singafest, the Asian Film Festival in Los Angeles.

L.A. is the perfect place for an event like this. Not only are we across the pond from Asia, but this town is filled with pervs who consider Asian women the ultimate novelty - approaching them as if car shopping. Whiskey Blue had quiet pockets of WASPy male oglers who had no intention of seeing any of the films. They clustered in corners, whispered and pointed as diminutive girls slinked by in beaded dresses. It seems that the creators of this event celebrated this exploitation, and put this beauty (below) on the invite.

Whiskey Blue at the

Now, on to the party! Where I come from, if an invite says "tray service," it means that good-looking people will pass around free food and drinks. In this case, it was free food, but a cash bar. Only we didn't know it until after we ordered our whiskey. We didn't mind at first, until we noticed that most of the trays of food were held high over their heads, to avoid the gaze of non-VIPs. Ninety percent of the servers swept into VIP, so that the poor servers holding trays in the "less important" crowd were accosted by hungry hordes, circling like zombies in search of brains. 

Germ fest!

Bags of popcorn were laid out to appease the non-VIP crowd, but everyone was afraid to stick their hands inside the potentially germ-filled snack. They didn't know what kind of people were around them. And the creepy white dudes standing in the corners didn't help matters.

We were starved, but we had our pride. We snuck into the VIP area (pictured above), slammed Champagne that sat in ice buckets, and made off with a gift bag. Plus we met a lovely gentleman from Wire LA named Don Rose and were graced with the no-nonsense awesomeness of DJ Smiles. Anyone that can work Nu Shooz into a spin mix is good peeps to me.

Seriously?

Is that...fly tape? What kind of crazy, turn-of-the century business is this? We're in Los Angeles - our state alone is the ninth largest economy in the world. I haven't seen fly tape since it was used as a prop in that sleazy diner on that old Nickelodeon show You Can't Do That on Television.

You know that skit - the one that always ends with the greasy chef saying, "D' IIIIIIIIII heard that." And green slime originated from that show. It was dumped on kids whenever they said, "I don't know." Green slime may be a mainstay on the Teen Choice Awards these days, but they took the idea from Nickelodeon, who lifted it right off of You Can't Do That on Television.

Well, you can't do fly tape on television either. Or do it in private. It's just not okay.

Sushi Mac vs. Sushi Roku

Sushi Mac is genius for the following reasons:

- all plates $3, with tax built in

- cash only, to keep overhead low

- rock music blasting, so no one knows they're in a dive

I need these!

Honestly, all a cheap restaurant needs to do is blast loud music, because it will attract youths, jaded couples who didn't feel like talking anyway and moneyed couples who see the youth in the window, and think everyone is in on something. Because let's face it, raw fish freaks some people out, and they'd never go to a cheap sushi joint and risk listeria. But loud music? Boom.The place is instantly chic.

Roku's new look

I love Sushi Mac, but the existence of Sushi Mac also makes me love Sushi Roku, the upscale Japanese restaurant across the street.  If it can stand up against Sushi Mac and their throngs of followers, they must be pretty great. They even underwent a recent renovation, and my friends and I stopped in for lunch to check out the changes. Here's a peek!

awesome witch cauldron in front

The Great Lesbian Letdown

I was pretty excited to experience Panty Night at Girl Bar in West Hollywood. Bundles of new panties were to be tossed into the crowd. I thought that new undergarments might help me recoup the cost of my overpriced cocktails. In a perfect world I'd score something campy from Trashy Lingerie, but lesbians aren't known for Little Bo Peep-themed corsets.

Maybe I'd score something sensible. But who would toss Hanes into a West Hollywood crowd? When the disco (yes, disco) started, slender girls traipsed atop the bar in Halloween Slut cop gear. I was taken aback by how much the lesbian idea of sexy parallels the hetero male version. Not that I expected chicks to stomp out in overalls and toss out organic seed packs, but I was disappointed to know that the idea of sexy seemed to be the same across the board.

That's my Great Lesbian Letdown; it would seem that no matter what the sexual preference is, all women  are doomed to life without love (or at least sex) unless they commit to binding clothing, low-carb diets and stiletto heels. We can't catch a break, even at Girl Bar.