We are without:
A river bigger than a trickling creek down cement walls:
New Orleans-esque porches with wrought iron and hanging ferns
Dead actresses that won't need 900 years for their silicone breasts to decompose - this is Poe's wandering actress mom
Irish bars that aren't shoulder-to-shoulder packed with alcoholics using Ireland as an excuse to binge drink and yell "Whooh!"
Churches where colonial dudes shout "Give me liberty or give me death!"
Classy and architecturally respectful columns, unlike the tacky ones featured in L.A.'s Ugly Persian Houses
Spooky railroad tracks straight out of Fried Green Tomatoes